3 days and 3 nights

Another lesson titled, "I'm not in Control," again. Sheesh, I thought I learned this one. One thing you must know about me before I go on: I LOVE sleep! Since the first week of me being an infant I have loved sleep. My mom even called the doctor because she was worried something was wrong with me because I slept so much. I am a morning person and usually go to bed no later than 11pm. If I have missed my special amount of sleep, another person gets inside of me and starts acting deranged. :)

So this leads us to last Sunday night, I go to bed just like every other night. And I don't sleep. I may have gotten 3-4ish hours on and off. I wake up feeling awful and having to work. I'm formulating all kinds of theories as to why I didn't sleep: "maybe it was the Lost finale, maybe I have a major sin issue in my life, do I have something stressful in my life right now that I'm not willing to face...." The possibilities went on and on. And then Monday night......

I didn't sleep. At this point I'm so tired but my body just won't let me go to sleep. My heart is pounding. I'm uber frustrated that I'm not just falling asleep and I'm watching my husband sink into a fast sleep and looking so peaceful. I did everything to try and fall asleep. I even called my dad and he insisted I wasn't sleeping because I missed him. I may have slept on and off for 5 hours not really getting that deep sleep though. The next morning I felt alive and awake though. My coworkers were making all kinds of theories for me as to why I wasn't sleeping and as always because I'm married and at the age that I am, the pregnancy theory always came to the forefront. Just so you don't skim to the bottom and get disappointed, I'm not pregnant. :) I checked.

So by Tuesday, I'm feeling super-human-like. I'm living life, I'm not grouchy, and I'm surviving on very little amounts of sleep. I had told God that maybe sleep had become an idol and I had stopped relying on him for most of my everyday/every second functions. Then came Tuesday night, I look awful by now. I'm with a group of ladies and I have the deepest purple bags under my eyes. I'm pretty much falling asleep while with them and trying hard not to. They insist I go home and go to bed.

Same story, couldn't fall asleep. I begin crying, Drew's losing sleep because of me now, my mother-in-law tries to calm me down and prays for me. She concludes that my nerves have taken over by now and they are not letting me sleep. She tells me that I must surrender even my nerves to the Lord and trust Him whether I do or don't get sleep. I finally fall asleep for about 6 hours on and off. I'm smelling the end by now.

Wednesday I have several people praying for me to be able to sleep that night. I felt totally calm all day until 2 hours before I'm going to bed. I felt the nerves come back. I continuously surrendered my nerves up to God. Then I saw a verse I had written down, "You restore me o, Lord. Lead me in the way of righteousness." Those 2 words, "Lead me," stuck out instantly. I wasn't letting my Savior lead me. I have always been in control of myself, or so I thought. Anytime something physical would happen I would immediately worry and I would try to conjure up a plan to restore myself. So anytime I felt those nerves start to creep up, I knew it was my controlling nature that was trying to control the situation and I just repeated over and over, "You restore me, You lead me; not me."

And Wednesday night, I SLEPT FOR ALMOST 9 HOURS!!!!! I am so weak today but I am starting to understand and actually want God to be in control of me. Before, I wanted Him to but I faked myself out by putting myself in charge and telling myself it was God. I surrender all to You, Lord.